no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
