I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
