Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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