I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
i want to swaddle you in tequila
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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