he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
