we have officially lost it.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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