i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
