Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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