shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
