Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize