I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
