my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
