Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
