saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
