you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
