yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
my poor anus
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
