If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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