my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
