I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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