I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Randomize
