she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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