can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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