After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
