All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
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he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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