My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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