you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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