Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Don't make out with my wife yet
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
