I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Randomize
