meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Randomize
