i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
