I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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