walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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