Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
