I will die if light touches me.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
