I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
