Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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