If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
