About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
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