were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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