I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
