I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
