If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
