Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
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i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
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wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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