I looked at my own cervix.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
