Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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