Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
