remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
