I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
