I like my sex mixed with concussions.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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