Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
