Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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