last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
