That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
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