Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
