She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
My penis needs a shock collar
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
