I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
My pussy is not your playground.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
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you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
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Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
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