What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
