Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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