If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
