make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
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I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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