How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
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